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[personal profile] jasmasson
Title: In retrospect (I’d rather have been a poet. Or a farmer)
Author: [livejournal.com profile] jasmasson
Artist: [livejournal.com profile] stardael
Fandom: Supernatural, RPS, Secret agent AU.
Pairing: JP/JA (non-explicit references to JA/Jeffrey Dean Morgan, JA/Steve Carlson and JP/ Alexis Bledel)
Rating: NC17
Warning: Violence and references to abuse. Sorry JDM, I needed a darkly handsome, charismatic bad guy. So in a way it’s a compliment.
Beta: Untold thanks and love to [livejournal.com profile] astrangerfate and [livejournal.com profile] halfshellvenus who had to translate it all from British to American. She’s a goddess. Extra gushing and notes here
Word Count: 23,000
Archive: Now also in one part at AO3


Feedback the art: Here. And you really should. Just look at JDM. Mmmmmm.

“It’s in the car,” Jared said, slightly sheepishly.

Jensen’s look spoke volumes.

“What? It was just an errand.” Jared said, shrugging. “You shouldn’t need automatic weapons just to go to the bank. And anyway. You always do the shooting. I do the talking. The planning. The charming.”

Jensen snorted indelicately. “Thank you, 007.”




***
It was a pretty normal day in the bank, and the bank teller had been eyeing the two men waiting in her line since they had arrived as one way to pass the time.

To be fair, they were pretty noticeable-looking guys. They were both tall and lean, wearing jeans and sunglasses and the shorter one had a leather jacket on, despite the heat of the day.

The taller one had dark hair falling into his eyes and a killer smile, which he bestowed indiscriminately on his friend, other customers, mirrors, security guards and the old lady with the monstrously over-sized umbrella.

The other guy had short hair, and the most beautiful face she’d ever seen on a man. He, however, was as bored-looking and withdrawn as his friend was charming.

The bank teller would have bet these gorgeous customers would be the most memorable she'd have for a month. As it turned out, however, they weren’t even the most memorable of the day.

“FREEZE!” Four men burst into the bank suddenly, making everyone jump. “FREEZE! PUT YOUR HANDS UP. THIS IS A ROBBERY!”

They all wore masks, and all of them had serious-looking automatic weapons.

Everyone put their hands up immediately.

As the robbers manhandled the security guards and began moving around the bank, the shorter of the two men looked at his companion.

“Well, that’s just great.” The man’s voice held no fear or shock; he sounded mildly irritated, at best. “What was that you said earlier, Jared? Oh yeah: ‘Jensen, hang on a sec, I need to go to the bank. I have to deposit my neighbor’s check for her. It’ll only take a minute.’”

“Hey, she's bedridden, it's not like she can come in herself.” The other man, Jared, had a Texan accent and his voice was equally calm. “And I can’t exactly be held responsible for random acts of criminal behavior.”

They both looked sourly at the men who were now demanding to see the bank manager.

Jared turned to look at his companion.

“Well?” he asked, as if he expected Jensen to be doing something.

The shorter man grinned suddenly. It was an unusual expression for him and Jared felt a prickle of uneasiness.

“You want to hear something funny?”

Jared looked hard at Jensen, suddenly suspicious. “Actually, no. I don’t think I do.”

Jensen’s grin widened.

“I’m out of ammo.”

“What?”

“My gun,” Jensen explained with clear impatience, “has no bullets.”

“You what?” Jared was flabbergasted.

“Hey,” Jensen said, looking slightly defensive. “This is not entirely my fault. If you ever even used yours, I wouldn’t run out so often. But no. This morning? I had to shoot every one of those bastards and you didn’t even pull your weapon. And I haven't had time to reload. Besides,” he put on a strong Texan accent, “ ‘it’ll only take a minute,’ remember that part?”

“Jensen Ackles, unarmed.” Jared shook his head. “Wait till they all hear about this.”

“Shut up.” Jensen scowled. “And wait a minute. Where’s your gun?”

Jared looked a little uncomfortable.

“It’s in the car,” he said sheepishly.

Jensen’s look spoke volumes.

“What? It was just an errand,” Jared said, shrugging. “You shouldn’t need automatic weapons just to go to the bank. And anyway, you always do the shooting. I do the talking. The planning. The charming…”

Jensen snorted indelicately. “Thank you, 007.”

They both looked at where the robbers had gotten behind the counter and were pulling out wads of cash.

Jared sighed. “We should probably still do something.”

“Why?” Jensen shrugged carelessly. “The money’s insured. And now all these nice people will have an exciting story to tell their friends. More interesting dinner conversation than ‘American Idol’. Think of it as an adventure they’ll remember forever.”

“Yeah, but someone has to pay for it. Insurance rates will go up. Taxes. It’s our civic duty.”

“I was shot 5 times in the last three years in the line of civic duty, so I think I’m ahead. And I’m not that damn patriotic. I don’t even like apple pie.”

“Yeah, well... I pay taxes. Do it for me.”

Jensen looked completely unconvinced.

The argument probably would have gone on longer, but the robbers seemed to be just about finished. At least that's how things looked until a scream suddenly rang out through the bank.

“Shut up, you fucking bitch.” One of the robbers was dragging a terrified female customer with him. “You’re coming with us. You’re our insurance.”

Jared looked pointedly at Jensen.

Jensen rolled his eyes and sighed.

“OK. OK.” He reached into his jacket and pulled out a knife, which he handed to Jared. Then he drew out a gun. “But if things get hairy, try to remember that there are no bullets in this gun, and I’m actually only armed with harsh language.”

“Trust me.” Jared grinned at Jensen, who just looked at him flatly in return. Jared tucked the knife into his belt and then....

“PLEASE,” he cried out, voice shaking with fear. He staggered forward, towards the armed man closest to him, arms outstretched. “Please, God, don’t kill me, please.”

The man took an involuntary step back.

Jared stumbled to his knees in front of him, and clutched his legs.

“Please, don’t kill me. Please. I’ve got a wife. I’ve got kids,” he sobbed.

Jensen rolled his eyes. And the Oscar goes to...

“Jesus...” One of the other guys approached. That's right, Jensen thought, come a little closer. “Get rid of that guy and come on,” the man said. This one was probably the leader, Jensen decided. This one was his.

The first guy was still trying untangle himself from the huge sobbing mess of Jared and his seemingly endless supply of clinging arms. He finally let go of his automatic weapon so he could use both hands to get rid of Jared, leaving the gun hanging by its straps. As soon as his finger left the trigger, the balance of everything shifted. It was the opening Jared and Jensen had needed.

They moved as one.

Jared surged up, knocking the gun out of reach behind the man’s back and putting the knife right against his throat.

Jensen was just as fast. The leader was so overconfident that he hadn’t bothered strapping the gun around himself, so when Jensen hit his arm the man let go of the gun in shock and it skittered away from both of them. Fucking amateurs, Jensen thought, don’t even have the sense to hold onto their guns. But unfortunately, now that the gun was out of reach it meant that Jensen couldn’t use it either.

Gritting his teeth, he put his own unloaded gun against the man’s head. Jensen gripped the man firmly around the neck and positioned him as a shield against the two remaining robbers. Fortunately, those two guys were currently in shock, but they were still armed and Jensen wasn’t stupid.

Neither Jared nor Jensen had gone for the man holding the hostage, for fear of startling him into doing something they’d all regret, but now that they each had a hostage of their own, they turned their attention to him at last.

“Now then,” Jared said pleasantly, “let’s just stay calm here. Nobody has to get hurt.”

“What… What the fuck?” The guy said shakily.

“Just let her go, and no one gets hurt.” Jared pressed the knife a little harder against his captive’s neck and the man made a strangled noise as the cold metal dug deeper into his flesh.

“N-No.” The guy with the hostage, probably thinking of a seven-year stretch at least, found a little backbone. “No," he said more firmly, "you let them go, and I won’t kill her.” He tightened his grip on his hostage.

Jared sighed, but his focus never wavered. “Now, remember. Keep calm. OK? Calm. Jensen?”

He didn’t look at Jensen as he spoke, so instead it was a choked-off noise that drew the hostage-taker’s attention to where Jensen stood with his own captive.

The captive’s eyes were bugging out, and he clawed helplessly at where Jensen’s arm pressed like a steel band against his windpipe.

The man’s feet kicked frantically as he went horribly red. He swatted weakly at Jensen’s face and tried to grab his hair, but Jensen didn’t react at all, just kept pressing down relentlessly on his captive’s throat and cutting off his air while staring coldly at the man holding the woman.

Strangulation wasn’t the worst way to go. But it was one of the most undignified. Jensen’s captive’s face was red by then, blood vessels visible all over. His tongue was hanging out and he made hideous wheezing, whooping sounds, as he fought for every tiny molecule of oxygen. He lost control of his bladder and a wet spot appeared on the front of his pants as he suddenly slumped, in Jensen’s arms.

Jensen didn’t release him, but instead took the gun away from where it had been pressing against the man’s head and pointed it straight at the guy holding the hostage.

The man stared at him for a moment, stunned into inaction. But when he snapped out of it, the fight had already left him. He whimpered, let go of the woman and dropped his gun. Jensen moved his still-empty gun to point at the remaining robber, but by then the last man's gun had hit the floor too.

Jared pushed his own captive down onto the floor, finally able to confiscate the man’s weapon. Then he gathered up the other three guns and threw one of them over to Jensen.

When the human body is deprived of oxygen there is a moment, just before death, when unconsciousness hits. It’s the body’s last-ditch attempt to use as little oxygen as possible in order to keep on surviving, even if it’s only for a few more precious seconds.

The man on the floor at Jensen’s feet suddenly woke up. He groaned and clutched at his raw, burning throat, rasping for breath against the damage Jensen had inflicted. But once he was conscious, he found that he didn’t actually feel a whole lot better – not with the barrel of his own gun pointed squarely in his face.

Jared came to stand next to Jensen, leaning against the counter, his body warm against Jensen's side. It was a small ritual that had developed unnoticed between them after gunfire – a few moments of physical contact that somehow reassured them both.

Jared looked down at the shivering, stained man. “You made a mess,” he said mildly to Jensen.

“He’s alive, isn’t he?” Jensen replied.

“Oh, sure – a trip to bank with no fatalities. Go team Jensen!”

Jensen scowled at him. “Hey, I did most of the work, here. All you did was practice your acting.”

“Damn good, though, wasn’t it?” Jared grinned, striking a dramatic pose. “You know, the stage lost out on a major talent when I took up fighting crime.”

Jensen looked distinctly unimpressed, but Jared didn’t miss the sight twitch of his mouth.

Jared pressed his body slightly more into Jensen’s side and felt Jensen press back.

The police finally chose that moment to arrive. Jared tore himself away to straighten things out for the cops, flash his ID and his smile, and smooth over any potential problems (or worse yet, paperwork).

Jensen waited, leaning against the desk and amusing himself by scowling and staring at the would-be robbers who were now under arrest.

Eventually, Jared came back. “Let’s go.”

They stepped out onto the sidewalk. “Do you think Kripke might let us off early today?” Jared mused. “We wrapped up a major op this morning, and technically, we also just worked through lunch.”

Jensen snorted his opinion at that, and glanced at his watch.

“He'll probably make us stay longer, instead. We’re late.”

“Damn,” Jared sighed. “Oh! Wait a minute.”

He dashed over to one of the bank tellers, who was busy being comforted and checked-over by paramedics.

“Excuse me,” he said, digging through his pockets. “Do you think I could deposit this check?”

***

part 1

***

Date: 2009-06-24 08:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nightporters.livejournal.com
You made me laugh. That's a really good start.

Date: 2009-06-25 03:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jasmasson.livejournal.com
Awesome! I'm so glad. The boys always amuse me ;)

Date: 2009-06-24 09:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] astrangerfate.livejournal.com
Wheeeee, I'm so excited you've posted! :D Can't wait to reread. (This one gets to skip to the head of the queue cause you're awesome.) ♥

Date: 2009-06-25 03:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jasmasson.livejournal.com
Awww. *hearts you* ;)

Date: 2009-06-24 09:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] junalele.livejournal.com
Oh hell YES!!! Finally! I was so waiting for yours. And I already love the first bit. :D *runs off to read the rest*

Date: 2009-06-25 03:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jasmasson.livejournal.com
\o/ for me...

and \o/ \o/ \o/ for Heidelberg ;)

Date: 2009-06-26 09:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] junalele.livejournal.com
Yes, so much overall YAY!!!

Date: 2009-06-25 08:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] embertine.livejournal.com
HILARIOUS start. I love your writing style: punchy, easy to follow dialogue and understated humour.

My thumb is in the upwards position at this point.

Date: 2009-06-25 03:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jasmasson.livejournal.com
Thanks! I'm so glad you enjoyed... hope you like the rest!

Date: 2009-06-25 11:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elisera.livejournal.com
AHHHHHHHHH!

FUCK.

This was great! Loved the fast pace, Jensen's background story, the choices he made, (how Alexis really thought she was pregnant, not painting her a bad person for once, or, well... not that bad a person), the year he lived separately from Jared and the Organization and how he lived it, that he told Steve the truth about his feelings... THE ENDING!!! I have so much love for this.

The only thing making me a bit sad is thinking about how Jensen is now being forcibly chained back to the Organization, but that's what sequels are for, right? :D

No, seriously, great dialog, great storytelling and I wouldn't mind reading more about these two. Actually, YOU - as a writer - are one of my most precious discoveries so far for this years Big Bang! This story is most definitively a keeper!!!

Date: 2009-06-29 10:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jasmasson.livejournal.com
\o/ I'm so glad you enjoyed! Poor Jensen, but Jared will make it all better *g*

I'm so glad you enjoyed the dialogue... I love it when they banter ;)

Date: 2009-06-26 07:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] layne67.livejournal.com
Oh. My. God.

*squeeeeeeees*

Date: 2009-06-26 01:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hime2emeh.livejournal.com
BANTER! O.M.G. BANTER!!! ♥ ♥ ♥

that is all :D

Date: 2009-06-29 10:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jasmasson.livejournal.com
Hurrah for banter \o/

Date: 2009-06-26 04:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] truelyesoteric.livejournal.com
This is totally awesome.

Date: 2009-06-29 10:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jasmasson.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm so glad you liked!

Date: 2009-06-29 10:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jasmasson.livejournal.com
Also, fabulous icon *hearts remy*

Date: 2009-07-04 02:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] truelyesoteric.livejournal.com
I do too. I friended you. I really like your stories. I want to make sure I watch them. Hope you don't mind.

Date: 2009-06-29 09:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spnfan82.livejournal.com
this fic was awesome, a really great read. thanks

Date: 2009-06-29 10:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jasmasson.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm so pleased you enjoyed :)

Date: 2009-06-29 10:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eranajz.livejournal.com
Holy crap - it's a J2 AU that's actually *in character*! *gasp* Maybe I'm looking in the wrong parts of fandom, but every single RPS AU I've read hasn't even made an attempt at being in character, which is why I tend to avoid them. But this? It's actually IN CHARACTER! They actually act like Jared and Jensen! It doesn't read like original fiction with pre-determined casting, but actually reads like it's about Jared and Jensen. Just for that alone I could hug you. And I'm not even into part one yet. :)

Date: 2009-06-30 03:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mangacat201.livejournal.com
MWEHAEWHWAEHAWEHWAEHEAWHAWEHEWA... oh this is is...is, just mighty great, I mean seriously awesome doesn't even begin to cover it. I love the banter and the fast shooting dialogues, and the 'it went like this' ... out of ammo, my ass!
CAT

Date: 2009-07-14 03:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] johnnyjosh.livejournal.com
*laughs* This was hilarious, a great start, off to read more!

Date: 2009-08-09 01:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ou-peachus.livejournal.com
just letting you know: http://community.livejournal.com/crack_impala/221092.html

Date: 2009-08-10 01:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jasmasson.livejournal.com
Thank you very much!

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